sorelatable:

It’s so frustrating when you’re like the only person who can see how evil and sneaky someone is and everyone else is like blind to it

i just want to sit on your lap and make out for like eight hours

geometricdeathtrap:

metallikato:

generallegendary:

metallikato:

jewelstaites:

how to give a good handjob

  • bop it
  • pull it
  • twist it
  • harder
  • better
  • faster
  • stronger 

You pull your left hand in
You pull your left hand out
You pull your left hand in
And you shake it all about!

Cha cha real smooth

none of you ever touch a penis

kissnecks:

knitmeapony:

My next million dollar idea: reluctant exercise videos with people who aren’t perky.

"Just five more… I know, I kind of want to die right now too, but let’s just power through it."

"Okay, new yoga pose.  It’s going to ache like a bastard until your hamstrings release, I’m not gonna lie."

"Stretch a little deeper… it’s okay to yell ‘fuck’ at this point, I won’t tell anyone."

yes

soufflesandbowties:

50% of my jokes are self deprecating and 50% are self congratulatory like i’ll say “wow its hot in here…. just like me” and 5 seconds later point at a trash can and say “me”

tonyabbot:

when bad things happens to the person you hate

image

therealhousewivesofpanem:

when you go to kill a bug and someone says “no stop it has feelings too!!!”
image

your-genital:

when you talk to your crush and say something stupid you immediately regret

image

chromeofficial:

textbook: $250

me: chill

avoxia:

the worst thing about tumblr is that you read all those pro feminist/anti rape/anti misogyny posts all the time everyday and then you actually go outside and talk to a random guy and it feels like being punched in the face with a chair

phatticuss:

cumcream:

cumcream:

What did the cat say to the dog?

cats don’t talk

image